Kristen Stewart what is wrong with you?

You cheated on Robert Pattinson with the director of Snow White & The Huntsman…are you blind? You had Thor walking around the set everyday and you cheated with the director…bitch please.

It’s 1:54 am. I think about how in the space of one year I’ve lost 4 of my best friends, one who died this year in a car accident. I sometimes think how this year would have been different if he were still here. I remember the first time I met him. I was sitting in the cafeteria drinking a coke when this small kid comes up to me and says “I’ll buy that from you for 20p.” I just laughed him off at the time and went to my graphics lesson. There he was sitting at one of the macs doing some editing. He was pretty talented but cocky and arrogant. I decided to take him under my wing and over the next three years we had both tasted success and failure together.

I was one of the last ones to speak to him that night. He said to me that he was getting picked up in an hour to go clubbing and had to get ready. That was the last time I spoke to him. He was the only passenger in the car that died that night. Sometimes I think it’s my fault. I should have told him to stay at home and watch a film instead. Some days I’ll get frustrated and just punch the wall a few times when I remember what I failed to do. I get frustrated at him as well. He shouldn’t have even been out that night. I get angry about it a lot. It’s one of the reasons I decided to join suicide watch and try and help people who are feeling suicidal. 

The first person I had to help was a guy about my age who had just swallowed 30 tablets. I managed to talk him into calling for an ambulance and it was about a month later when a card arrived for me from him. He wrote some really funny thank you message but I still felt bad that day. No matter how many people I try to help there would always be that one failure.

I still think what was the point of him living in the first place. Was he always meant to die? Did he know he was going to die that day? It makes me question my own mortality. I wonder if when I one day go I will have done enough. 

Hopefully I do enough to wipe away that failure…